I agree with the spirit of this, but this is a bit like asking someone who incessantly apologizes to "never say sorry." it doesn't really target the root of the problem, just replaces one paranoia ("I am pressuring them / they might dislike me") with another ("they might see me as weak"). the longer-term fix here is to resolve the underlying insecurity so you don't feel a constant need to hedge, minimize yourself, etc.
Yeah + also maybe thinking about less “””weak””” ways to still be considerate and price in the fact that sometimes you might really be asking someone to go a bit above and beyond? Like surely there are ways to leave people outs or hedge the subjective urgency of something without defaulting to either “🫦no worries if not 🙈” OR assuming shared priorities.
There is a spectrum of asks and a spectrum of familiarity; it would be interesting to think more about the whole “root cause” thing while leaving room for the semi-justified awkwardness of making plausible demands of people who you don’t have as much basis to ask things of.
I mean right? Idk
I’m all for eliminating this as a *default* add-on but it’s worth considering the function it serves even if it’s become maladaptive.
I'm surprised you didn't consider something different ~ that it is manipulative, by inducing guilt. Some passive-aggressive types tend to favour this approach via implied reproach. "It's okay if you don't or it's alright if you can't (I'll manage somehow)".
Especially for folks that do not like to refuse things unless they have to, this comes across as deeply manipulative and under-handed. The unsaid retort that shapes up in the mind is usually - "Just ask what you want and allow me the freedom to say NO. And THEN take it evenly or nicely. Don't tell me BEFOREHAND that it's okay if I can't or don't".
It's like they're taking away freedom and space to be able to say NO without loading you with guilt up front.
i think this is a better banger tweet than a thought piece.
at first i wanted to agree with this post. sometimes i say this.
then i thought, you know what, there's a spectrum here. sometimes it's okay to say "no worries if not" & not just sound like a total prick.
you might be overanalyzing a little, but i do agree with the spirit of this post too.
language is squishy. the real EQ move is knowing how to wield it in different situations, and sometimes a "no worries if not" is apt -- but much of the time it probably isn't
(i didn't need to say "probably" in the previous sentence but i put it there to intentionally sound wish washy)
I am from India and I work with people from many nationalities and it is only the English (some not all) who use this kind of self effacement. This is a problem on the receiver side as well because you dont know how seriously / urgently you should take the request. It is quite irritating and I rather prefer communicating with Germans or Dutch folks.
THANK YOU. This also has the additional benefit of weeding out the fragile and the covertly narcissistic people that would take offense to more directed language.
I usually just use it to signal that this is not a priority atm. In fact, if you're the boss of someone (maybe you've never been in this situation), then “hey, would love to grab a quick call—no worries if not!” is actually great for keeping ur employee focused and signaling that you're trusting how they set their priorities. And "would love to grab a quick call," would make them drop everything to listen to what I want to tell them immediately
The framing here feels rigid, almost like it’s trying to turn communication into a dominance game when language is so much more fluid and contextual. The assumption that people who use this phrasing lack self respect or authority is both unfair and weirdly macho.
There’s also an element of privilege I think you don't consider in this argument. Women or people of color, for example, have to soften their language to be heard at all. Directness doesn’t always translate to being taken seriously as it can backfire depending on the setting. Respect isn’t something people should have to earn by performing confidence. People who struggle with self respect or assertiveness still deserve to be treated with with respect
I get the value of being direct and not undermining yourself unnecessarily, but the idea that saying “no worries if not” = weak is just another way of shaming people for not conforming to a narrow ideal of confidence. There are other ways to communicate effectively, and different tones work for different people. Not everything has to be optimized for maximum efficiency and authority. Sometimes, a little warmth or flexibility makes interactions better for everyone.
yeah, now i see the pattern in responses. when i used a chill style ask, mostly the respondent is taking in the position to not giving me what i need and when i looked at when i have asked directly, i mostly got what i want or got a reason for why not.
I agree with the spirit of this, but this is a bit like asking someone who incessantly apologizes to "never say sorry." it doesn't really target the root of the problem, just replaces one paranoia ("I am pressuring them / they might dislike me") with another ("they might see me as weak"). the longer-term fix here is to resolve the underlying insecurity so you don't feel a constant need to hedge, minimize yourself, etc.
Yeah + also maybe thinking about less “””weak””” ways to still be considerate and price in the fact that sometimes you might really be asking someone to go a bit above and beyond? Like surely there are ways to leave people outs or hedge the subjective urgency of something without defaulting to either “🫦no worries if not 🙈” OR assuming shared priorities.
There is a spectrum of asks and a spectrum of familiarity; it would be interesting to think more about the whole “root cause” thing while leaving room for the semi-justified awkwardness of making plausible demands of people who you don’t have as much basis to ask things of.
I mean right? Idk
I’m all for eliminating this as a *default* add-on but it’s worth considering the function it serves even if it’s become maladaptive.
I'm surprised you didn't consider something different ~ that it is manipulative, by inducing guilt. Some passive-aggressive types tend to favour this approach via implied reproach. "It's okay if you don't or it's alright if you can't (I'll manage somehow)".
Especially for folks that do not like to refuse things unless they have to, this comes across as deeply manipulative and under-handed. The unsaid retort that shapes up in the mind is usually - "Just ask what you want and allow me the freedom to say NO. And THEN take it evenly or nicely. Don't tell me BEFOREHAND that it's okay if I can't or don't".
It's like they're taking away freedom and space to be able to say NO without loading you with guilt up front.
i think this is a better banger tweet than a thought piece.
at first i wanted to agree with this post. sometimes i say this.
then i thought, you know what, there's a spectrum here. sometimes it's okay to say "no worries if not" & not just sound like a total prick.
you might be overanalyzing a little, but i do agree with the spirit of this post too.
language is squishy. the real EQ move is knowing how to wield it in different situations, and sometimes a "no worries if not" is apt -- but much of the time it probably isn't
(i didn't need to say "probably" in the previous sentence but i put it there to intentionally sound wish washy)
fair feedback.
i'm also just talking smack. this was a good post. subscribed today. thanks for the response.
for sure man, i always appreciate commentary, feel free to dm me too… i respond faster as well.
I am from India and I work with people from many nationalities and it is only the English (some not all) who use this kind of self effacement. This is a problem on the receiver side as well because you dont know how seriously / urgently you should take the request. It is quite irritating and I rather prefer communicating with Germans or Dutch folks.
I will murder those phrases
thank you my goat.
THANK YOU. This also has the additional benefit of weeding out the fragile and the covertly narcissistic people that would take offense to more directed language.
I usually just use it to signal that this is not a priority atm. In fact, if you're the boss of someone (maybe you've never been in this situation), then “hey, would love to grab a quick call—no worries if not!” is actually great for keeping ur employee focused and signaling that you're trusting how they set their priorities. And "would love to grab a quick call," would make them drop everything to listen to what I want to tell them immediately
This, straight into my veins.
This x 10,000
AMEN
The framing here feels rigid, almost like it’s trying to turn communication into a dominance game when language is so much more fluid and contextual. The assumption that people who use this phrasing lack self respect or authority is both unfair and weirdly macho.
There’s also an element of privilege I think you don't consider in this argument. Women or people of color, for example, have to soften their language to be heard at all. Directness doesn’t always translate to being taken seriously as it can backfire depending on the setting. Respect isn’t something people should have to earn by performing confidence. People who struggle with self respect or assertiveness still deserve to be treated with with respect
I get the value of being direct and not undermining yourself unnecessarily, but the idea that saying “no worries if not” = weak is just another way of shaming people for not conforming to a narrow ideal of confidence. There are other ways to communicate effectively, and different tones work for different people. Not everything has to be optimized for maximum efficiency and authority. Sometimes, a little warmth or flexibility makes interactions better for everyone.
Great post!
yeah, now i see the pattern in responses. when i used a chill style ask, mostly the respondent is taking in the position to not giving me what i need and when i looked at when i have asked directly, i mostly got what i want or got a reason for why not.